I started this blog as a means of getting out things I was struggling with in the immediate aftermath of losing Izzy. The amount of help and healing I got from just putting my grief in black and white is immeasurable, and as hard as it was to get the words out, I always felt better having gotten them out. And whether or not people read them was kind of irrelevant to me. But people read them. And they told me how moved they were, how talented I was, and in several cases, I made new connections with people who shared their stories with me, who had some of the same horrific things in common. My ex husband was never comfortable with how much I shared. How honest I was about such things publicly. He wasn't the only one who was uncomfortable with my honesty.
I always said that this is my blog and it's my business what I write and what I say and that I would keep writing as long as it helped me. But it slowly became harder to be completely honest without hurting someone's feelings, or wonder how my children would feel about reading these things someday, and so I started to keep it to the funny stuff, because I'm pretty good at the funny side of life. But here I am, in need of my little outlet and I'm scared. I need to get these thoughts out, put them down, sort them out, try and make sense of them so that I can get a better handle on them. Because I have been holding this shit in forever. So here goes.
1-I'm really tired of dealing with all the bullshit that goes along with being divorced in a small town. I expected there to be a certain amount of "OMG Can you believe they got divorced? What a bitch she is, he went to rehab and got sober and he's such a great dad. What the hell is wrong with her?" But I didn't expect my own family, one of my best friends, and people who knew some of the horror I lived, to take his side. It hurts my feelings all over again when I see those people and they refuse to make eye contact with me, or speak to me. Divorce was not a decision I took lightly and it was a long time in the works. I choose to keep my story to myself and not air all the details publicly. And I try really really hard to not let all the snubs bother me, but they do. Every single one, every single time.
2-Being a single mom is really freaking hard. I have 3 kids. Joint legal custody, but primary physical custody. He only has them every other weekend, as was his request during negotiations. I encouraged him to have more time, he declined. I recently offered again more time and they now have dinner with him every Wednesday. I am the only person there to: get them up in the morning, drive them to school, pick them up from school, drive them to dance, violin, jazz band, gymnastics, swim, competitions, friends' houses, school events.... you get the idea. I cook dinner and we eat together. I'm the only one here to supervise homework. Put the little guy to bed. Keep the house together. Laundry. Mowing. Leaves. It's a lot. And I'm not complaining. I fucking love my life. I have reached a level of happy that I didn't know was possible. I wouldn't go back, and I wouldn't change anything. But that doesn't mean that I am not tired to my bones. That I don't sometimes put my head down on my steering wheel and breathe deeply when I'm trying to get 3 kids to 3 different places all at once. That I haven't cried quietly by myself when I've failed at something, been late, fed them grilled cheese for dinner at 8 at night because that's the first moment we were all at home. I'm terrified they're going to grow up and look at me and tell me that they hated life with a single mom and that they wish I'd stayed, or that their memories of me will be of a crazy frazzled stressed woman. I try really hard to be present in all the time I have with them. I really listen to them. I try to let the leaves wait and take JT on bike rides every time he asks. Lay in bed with Maddy and watch her shop for shoes. Look at Abbey's unending architectural talent in Minecraft. I hope that's the mom they remember. But I'm terrified I've fucked it all up every day.
3-I struggle every day with insecurity. I cannot recall anytime I've felt good enough. I know that everyone else is better. That I'm just a convenient alternative to the good thing that is just around the corner. I'm a placemarker if you will. Somedays, I'm just fine. I feel good, I feel confident, I'm on top of things and I know that people care about me and love me. And then there are the black days. Days when I'm convinced that no one really loves me, they just take pity on me. Days when everyone else is smarter and better and have their degrees and they have their lives together and I don't. At all. At 39 I am a fucking work in progress who is just treading water. 39 and I'm an abject failure. No one could possibly want to choose this. 20 pounds too many. Wrinkles. Stretch marks. Insecurity. Baggage. No one wants that. And suddenly I'm an asshole who is melting down on the unsuspecting people who were crazy enough to let me have their phone number. What I want is someone to make me feel better because I can't do it for myself. And in a crazy little circle of viciousness. This insecurity and having to bother people to help me get it together makes me feel even worse. "They hate me for being needy. They're going to cut off contact now." It's fucking exhausting. I've taken to making lists for myself. I review the lists when I feel the light going out. Somedays it helps. Today. Nothing helped. Until the right person said the perfect thing. And I couldn't convey to them how much they helped me because I was ashamed for being an asshole.
4-Remembering to put the phone down and walk away for several minutes to collect my thoughts is something I need to work harder at. It helps tremendously when dealing with manipulative antagonistic people. I forget and get so upset and so mad that I don't stop and think before I reply. And before I know it, I'm trapped in a stupid unnecessary battle. I hate it when I do that. I'm getting better, but I have a ways to go.`1
5-Sometimes I hate being the better person in a situation. I KNOW that it's better in the long run. For everyone. But it's infuriating to see people get away with ridiculousness over and over and over again. And they have tremendous public suport and everyone thinks they're a hero. It's really hard sometimes, all the time. Reminding myself that it will pay off long term helps. And an incredibly wise man reminds me often that "it's a marathon, not a sprint."
It's after midnight. I've been hashing these thoughts out in my head all day. On this blog for almost an hour. Trying to find a balance. Trying to not upset anyone. Trying to clear my head. Trying not to hurt feelings. Trying to make myself feel better. Trying to avoid causing drama. I have probably failed. But I do feel a little better. These thoughts are much better out of my head than in.
I always said that this is my blog and it's my business what I write and what I say and that I would keep writing as long as it helped me. But it slowly became harder to be completely honest without hurting someone's feelings, or wonder how my children would feel about reading these things someday, and so I started to keep it to the funny stuff, because I'm pretty good at the funny side of life. But here I am, in need of my little outlet and I'm scared. I need to get these thoughts out, put them down, sort them out, try and make sense of them so that I can get a better handle on them. Because I have been holding this shit in forever. So here goes.
1-I'm really tired of dealing with all the bullshit that goes along with being divorced in a small town. I expected there to be a certain amount of "OMG Can you believe they got divorced? What a bitch she is, he went to rehab and got sober and he's such a great dad. What the hell is wrong with her?" But I didn't expect my own family, one of my best friends, and people who knew some of the horror I lived, to take his side. It hurts my feelings all over again when I see those people and they refuse to make eye contact with me, or speak to me. Divorce was not a decision I took lightly and it was a long time in the works. I choose to keep my story to myself and not air all the details publicly. And I try really really hard to not let all the snubs bother me, but they do. Every single one, every single time.
2-Being a single mom is really freaking hard. I have 3 kids. Joint legal custody, but primary physical custody. He only has them every other weekend, as was his request during negotiations. I encouraged him to have more time, he declined. I recently offered again more time and they now have dinner with him every Wednesday. I am the only person there to: get them up in the morning, drive them to school, pick them up from school, drive them to dance, violin, jazz band, gymnastics, swim, competitions, friends' houses, school events.... you get the idea. I cook dinner and we eat together. I'm the only one here to supervise homework. Put the little guy to bed. Keep the house together. Laundry. Mowing. Leaves. It's a lot. And I'm not complaining. I fucking love my life. I have reached a level of happy that I didn't know was possible. I wouldn't go back, and I wouldn't change anything. But that doesn't mean that I am not tired to my bones. That I don't sometimes put my head down on my steering wheel and breathe deeply when I'm trying to get 3 kids to 3 different places all at once. That I haven't cried quietly by myself when I've failed at something, been late, fed them grilled cheese for dinner at 8 at night because that's the first moment we were all at home. I'm terrified they're going to grow up and look at me and tell me that they hated life with a single mom and that they wish I'd stayed, or that their memories of me will be of a crazy frazzled stressed woman. I try really hard to be present in all the time I have with them. I really listen to them. I try to let the leaves wait and take JT on bike rides every time he asks. Lay in bed with Maddy and watch her shop for shoes. Look at Abbey's unending architectural talent in Minecraft. I hope that's the mom they remember. But I'm terrified I've fucked it all up every day.
3-I struggle every day with insecurity. I cannot recall anytime I've felt good enough. I know that everyone else is better. That I'm just a convenient alternative to the good thing that is just around the corner. I'm a placemarker if you will. Somedays, I'm just fine. I feel good, I feel confident, I'm on top of things and I know that people care about me and love me. And then there are the black days. Days when I'm convinced that no one really loves me, they just take pity on me. Days when everyone else is smarter and better and have their degrees and they have their lives together and I don't. At all. At 39 I am a fucking work in progress who is just treading water. 39 and I'm an abject failure. No one could possibly want to choose this. 20 pounds too many. Wrinkles. Stretch marks. Insecurity. Baggage. No one wants that. And suddenly I'm an asshole who is melting down on the unsuspecting people who were crazy enough to let me have their phone number. What I want is someone to make me feel better because I can't do it for myself. And in a crazy little circle of viciousness. This insecurity and having to bother people to help me get it together makes me feel even worse. "They hate me for being needy. They're going to cut off contact now." It's fucking exhausting. I've taken to making lists for myself. I review the lists when I feel the light going out. Somedays it helps. Today. Nothing helped. Until the right person said the perfect thing. And I couldn't convey to them how much they helped me because I was ashamed for being an asshole.
4-Remembering to put the phone down and walk away for several minutes to collect my thoughts is something I need to work harder at. It helps tremendously when dealing with manipulative antagonistic people. I forget and get so upset and so mad that I don't stop and think before I reply. And before I know it, I'm trapped in a stupid unnecessary battle. I hate it when I do that. I'm getting better, but I have a ways to go.`1
5-Sometimes I hate being the better person in a situation. I KNOW that it's better in the long run. For everyone. But it's infuriating to see people get away with ridiculousness over and over and over again. And they have tremendous public suport and everyone thinks they're a hero. It's really hard sometimes, all the time. Reminding myself that it will pay off long term helps. And an incredibly wise man reminds me often that "it's a marathon, not a sprint."
It's after midnight. I've been hashing these thoughts out in my head all day. On this blog for almost an hour. Trying to find a balance. Trying to not upset anyone. Trying to clear my head. Trying not to hurt feelings. Trying to make myself feel better. Trying to avoid causing drama. I have probably failed. But I do feel a little better. These thoughts are much better out of my head than in.
Much better out. Love you. <3
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