7 years. This Saturday May 20th at 12:52, I passed another anniversary of the moment Isabelle Duffy took her last breath. I didn't post on social media about my sadness. I didn't message anyone. I didn't visit her grave. I didn't say anything out loud at all. Keeping it to myself made it so much easier to manage that day. I spent the day with my other half, who would have held my hand and wiped my tears and made me feel better. I could have messaged any number of people to have a little remembrance of her and a little shared grief. I had any number of options for managing the day. I just didn't want to share her. I wanted to just keep her memory quiet and close and mine. I didn't want pity and sympathy and to upend what was a perfectly ordinary Saturday.
And then at the end of the day, when I crawled into bed to go to sleep, I wondered if I was betraying her memory by not publicly acknowledging the date. By not spending the day sad and grief-stricken. 7 years and I still don't know what I'm supposed to do. And that's a little crazy. I guess at this point I should assume that this is an integral part of grief, not knowing what you're supposed to do, feeling like you're doing it all wrong. Because really, grief is all wrong. It's a gigantic ball of shit that you have to lose people you love. It's just wrong, and so it just keeps feeling wrong no matter what you do.
And then at the end of the day, when I crawled into bed to go to sleep, I wondered if I was betraying her memory by not publicly acknowledging the date. By not spending the day sad and grief-stricken. 7 years and I still don't know what I'm supposed to do. And that's a little crazy. I guess at this point I should assume that this is an integral part of grief, not knowing what you're supposed to do, feeling like you're doing it all wrong. Because really, grief is all wrong. It's a gigantic ball of shit that you have to lose people you love. It's just wrong, and so it just keeps feeling wrong no matter what you do.
<3
ReplyDelete