Here's what a typical day looks like in my universe.
6am-my partner crawls out of bed to start his day after being warm and snuggly against me for our standard extra 5 minutes of snoozing. I lay there annoyed that he's left and taken the warmth with him and ignore the cat meowing at me to be petted until....
615 at which time my alarm goes off. I hear the 14 year old makeup queen already moving because eyeliner takes at least 20 minutes. I continue to lay in bed planning what I'm going to wear. Until
624 when the 9 minute snooze alarm goes off and I drag myself to the shower. The cat is still yowling at me because he doesn't like to use the litter box alone. He likes to be accompanied to the litter box then left alone until he's done using it and launching litter into the four corners of the house via furious hiding of his business. Then he uses his nicer meow voice to request that I freshen up the food in his bowl. He can't eat the food that is in there from last night. It must be FRESH. Anyway. I ignore him and get in the shower.
627 I hear the door open and James bounds in saying "Don't worry momma. I'm just gonna pee and I will not flush the toilet and burn you. That would not be nice." He pees. And then flushes. 90 seconds is a long time to have to remember one's vow to not burn their mother's skin off.
632. I'm out of the shower and dressed. I turn on the light and ensure the oldest is awake. She is and snapchatting.
640. Everyone is dressed and my phone has been commandeered by James so he can play Fortnight. It's been 10 hours since he last played and he's starting to look a little desperate. Needs a fix. It seems better than the sugary cereal as a day starter, so I just go with it.
650. Lunch packing time. James is barking requests for his lunch. There isn't enough ranch dressing to put on Abbey's salad. We debate my refusal to purchase bottled water for the 1,629th time. I turn the faucet on and off to demonstrate how lucky we are to have water at their fingertips and not 10 miles away in a dirty disease infested pit. The point is lost on them. James realizes he's not had breakfast yet and asks for pancakes.
655. There is yelling in the living room because James is holding the tv remotes hostage in his pants. He's playing Fortnight but also watching a Netflix series that makes the rest of us want to throw the tv out the window (Some Assembly Required-it's ABYSMAL) His sisters want to change the tv, but not enough to wrestle the remote out of his pants. I don't point out that there are buttons ON THE TELEVISION. I stay in the kitchen chugging my coffee.
702. We all start telling James to put his shoes on. He takes off his shirt because the neck hole is too holey. He means it's too loose but his sisters see a window and pounce. They mock him until he cries and then he kicks them. In the shins. They laugh more. He stomps upstairs and flips them off. They are outraged at his offensiveness. (They taught him how to use both the middle fingers.)
704. James come back downstairs. Different shirt. Doesnt match. At all.
706. After debating the shirt choices I give up. If he wants to look like a colorblind hobo, that's on him. I direct him to put his shoes on. He can't find them. He cries. He's sitting on the floor next to them.
712. We are all finally walking out the door. Except me. I am grabbing my coffee, my lunch bag, my purse, my school bag, James backpack and his plate of pancakes he hasn't finished. The girls stand by the car annoyed that the doors are locked. Shit. Where are the keys?
717. I have found the keys. James reminds me that if I put them on the table everyday where they belong I wouldn't have to waste his time looking for them. Lucky for him my hands are too full to wallop him.
718. In trying to back out of the driveway I am stopped by the arrival of the school bus to pick up the other neighborhood children. I consider driving through the yard to get to the next street over.
724. We arrive at the HS. This is where 2 of 3 children get dropped off. Students are locked out of the building until 730. Which means they are forced to stand outside until the door opens. The HSers discuss the merits of having to stand in proximity to the students that are outside. "I don't even know who these people are." I suggest that they make new friends with their fellow early drop off victims. They look at me as though I've just proclaimed allegiance to the MAGA tribe. I close my eyes to camouflage the rolling and suggest that they just stand together and talk to each other. Now it's like I've grown another head.
726 I'm finally headed down the road to drop off the first grader. We are approaching the 2 week in school mark and YET parents still can't master drop off line protocol. I get stuck behind someone who packs their kids' lunch in the car, gets out for one last hug and then sits there until their kid gets in the building. James, who is fully trained in tuck and roll drop offs, is in even annoyed. Our heavy sighs are in sync.
732 DESK!!! Yes. I am aware that it's a little sad that I'm so excited to get to my desk. But I like work and my work people.
915 Text #1 rolls in from the freshman. She wants a homecoming shirt and she needs $10. I reply and ask if she needs it now. My response is sent immediately, but goes unread. I spend the next 17 minutes wondering if I need to take the money to the office, or if I can risk it and wait. I probably can't wait and utter devastation will ensue if she can't get the shirt and she'll probably be the ONLY Macomb HS student without a shirt and when I give her a memory quilt someday with her old Bomber tshirts she will sigh and wax nostalgic about the missing freshman year HoCo shirt.
947-"God mom. I was just asking, tomorrow will be fine. Why are you texting me at school."
950-I take ibuprofen and get more coffee.
1020-I take my morning break and try to read a chapter of my Environmental History text for class. It's about Native American tribes and their environmental practices pre-contact. I get distracted having an imaginary conversation with the morons who wanted to know if a Native American candidate for office was here legally. My rebuttals in the imaginary conversation are EPIC and they cry in shame at their ignorance. 15 minutes is up and I've read a paragraph.
1245-I'm hangry and got distracted reviewing license applications and realize I'm about to be late for my inperson class. I sign out and sprint to my car. Drive to the Union and all the meter spots are full. I have 10 minutes left to find a parking spot and walk to class. In Waggonner which is essentially on the very far edge of campus. It's like WIU Siberia. Finally find a 30 minute meter and recall that I saw the parking services police leaving this parking lot, so surely they won't be back to police the meters before I'm back. It's a little gambling without the bookies, so I risk it, I'm a thrill seeker.
215-class is over and I didn't get a ticket! WOOT!!!! Back to work.
305-Take my afternoon break to pick one kid up from school and drop at home.
500-DONE WITH WORK!!!! I dash over to the HS to pick up the dancer from practice, then I forget I have to pick up a kid and turn around in a parking lot to go pick up James from daycare.
515-throw potatoes and chicken breast in the instant pot and push start. Turn on the oven and throw in biscuits. Corn in the saucepan and dinner is cooking. Unload the dishwasher because apparently I'm the only one in the house who knows where dishes go.
530-Maddy comes into the kitchen and complains of starvation. She's 15. I forgot she needs reminding on basic survival skills. She's hangry and gives me angry laser vision. When that fails to make food magically appear she stomps off muttering about being organized and planning better.
540-The instant pot beeps and I speed release the pressure. Maddy has practice at 615 and I'm worried for everyone's safety if she doesn't get food. I say a quick prayer that the food is edible. IT IS. AND. Everyone eats it.
610-we are out the door to drive the kid to practice. She's driving and goes the wrong way to the dance studio that is like her second home.
615-loading the dishwasher. Listening to Missy Elliot because I'm a badass gangsta mom. In my yoga pants and flip flops.
630-Sit down at the table to review a chapter in my speech class.
700-Herd James upstairs for a bath and fold laundry while he splashes about. He uses 3 towels in drying off. Erasing all my gains in the universal laundry balance.
730-Story reading time and then he remembers that he has homework. We go back downstairs. He doesn't have homework. He actually just wanted a snack. And some water.
745-We are back upstairs and Abbey is explaining something to me about cheer. It's a half up full down lib something. I have NO IDEA. I know that I've asked her to explain a gazillion times and if I ask again, she will kill me. I make a mental note to watch a video on youtube later.
800-Turn off James' lights and he makes me promise to stay upstairs with him. I sit down with my laptop and take 2 of my quizzes that are due this week. I watch lecture videos for my Environmental History class and am way too fascinated with the theories surrounding continental drift.
815-pick up Maddy from dance.
830-mediate debate between the sisters for the millionth time about cheerleaders vs the school dance team.
900-still mediating.
912-I realize my step count is under 5,000 for the day and that my pants cut off the circulation to my legs earlier in the day so while the sisters are debating each other, I do some crunches. Not the best exercise, but planks don't record steps.
1000-my partner arrives and we turn on MSNBC which always chases away even the most stalwart children invaders and we watch a recap of the craziness of the day. It's our unwind.
6am-my partner crawls out of bed to start his day after being warm and snuggly against me for our standard extra 5 minutes of snoozing. I lay there annoyed that he's left and taken the warmth with him and ignore the cat meowing at me to be petted until....
615 at which time my alarm goes off. I hear the 14 year old makeup queen already moving because eyeliner takes at least 20 minutes. I continue to lay in bed planning what I'm going to wear. Until
624 when the 9 minute snooze alarm goes off and I drag myself to the shower. The cat is still yowling at me because he doesn't like to use the litter box alone. He likes to be accompanied to the litter box then left alone until he's done using it and launching litter into the four corners of the house via furious hiding of his business. Then he uses his nicer meow voice to request that I freshen up the food in his bowl. He can't eat the food that is in there from last night. It must be FRESH. Anyway. I ignore him and get in the shower.
627 I hear the door open and James bounds in saying "Don't worry momma. I'm just gonna pee and I will not flush the toilet and burn you. That would not be nice." He pees. And then flushes. 90 seconds is a long time to have to remember one's vow to not burn their mother's skin off.
632. I'm out of the shower and dressed. I turn on the light and ensure the oldest is awake. She is and snapchatting.
640. Everyone is dressed and my phone has been commandeered by James so he can play Fortnight. It's been 10 hours since he last played and he's starting to look a little desperate. Needs a fix. It seems better than the sugary cereal as a day starter, so I just go with it.
650. Lunch packing time. James is barking requests for his lunch. There isn't enough ranch dressing to put on Abbey's salad. We debate my refusal to purchase bottled water for the 1,629th time. I turn the faucet on and off to demonstrate how lucky we are to have water at their fingertips and not 10 miles away in a dirty disease infested pit. The point is lost on them. James realizes he's not had breakfast yet and asks for pancakes.
655. There is yelling in the living room because James is holding the tv remotes hostage in his pants. He's playing Fortnight but also watching a Netflix series that makes the rest of us want to throw the tv out the window (Some Assembly Required-it's ABYSMAL) His sisters want to change the tv, but not enough to wrestle the remote out of his pants. I don't point out that there are buttons ON THE TELEVISION. I stay in the kitchen chugging my coffee.
702. We all start telling James to put his shoes on. He takes off his shirt because the neck hole is too holey. He means it's too loose but his sisters see a window and pounce. They mock him until he cries and then he kicks them. In the shins. They laugh more. He stomps upstairs and flips them off. They are outraged at his offensiveness. (They taught him how to use both the middle fingers.)
704. James come back downstairs. Different shirt. Doesnt match. At all.
706. After debating the shirt choices I give up. If he wants to look like a colorblind hobo, that's on him. I direct him to put his shoes on. He can't find them. He cries. He's sitting on the floor next to them.
712. We are all finally walking out the door. Except me. I am grabbing my coffee, my lunch bag, my purse, my school bag, James backpack and his plate of pancakes he hasn't finished. The girls stand by the car annoyed that the doors are locked. Shit. Where are the keys?
717. I have found the keys. James reminds me that if I put them on the table everyday where they belong I wouldn't have to waste his time looking for them. Lucky for him my hands are too full to wallop him.
718. In trying to back out of the driveway I am stopped by the arrival of the school bus to pick up the other neighborhood children. I consider driving through the yard to get to the next street over.
724. We arrive at the HS. This is where 2 of 3 children get dropped off. Students are locked out of the building until 730. Which means they are forced to stand outside until the door opens. The HSers discuss the merits of having to stand in proximity to the students that are outside. "I don't even know who these people are." I suggest that they make new friends with their fellow early drop off victims. They look at me as though I've just proclaimed allegiance to the MAGA tribe. I close my eyes to camouflage the rolling and suggest that they just stand together and talk to each other. Now it's like I've grown another head.
726 I'm finally headed down the road to drop off the first grader. We are approaching the 2 week in school mark and YET parents still can't master drop off line protocol. I get stuck behind someone who packs their kids' lunch in the car, gets out for one last hug and then sits there until their kid gets in the building. James, who is fully trained in tuck and roll drop offs, is in even annoyed. Our heavy sighs are in sync.
732 DESK!!! Yes. I am aware that it's a little sad that I'm so excited to get to my desk. But I like work and my work people.
915 Text #1 rolls in from the freshman. She wants a homecoming shirt and she needs $10. I reply and ask if she needs it now. My response is sent immediately, but goes unread. I spend the next 17 minutes wondering if I need to take the money to the office, or if I can risk it and wait. I probably can't wait and utter devastation will ensue if she can't get the shirt and she'll probably be the ONLY Macomb HS student without a shirt and when I give her a memory quilt someday with her old Bomber tshirts she will sigh and wax nostalgic about the missing freshman year HoCo shirt.
947-"God mom. I was just asking, tomorrow will be fine. Why are you texting me at school."
950-I take ibuprofen and get more coffee.
1020-I take my morning break and try to read a chapter of my Environmental History text for class. It's about Native American tribes and their environmental practices pre-contact. I get distracted having an imaginary conversation with the morons who wanted to know if a Native American candidate for office was here legally. My rebuttals in the imaginary conversation are EPIC and they cry in shame at their ignorance. 15 minutes is up and I've read a paragraph.
1245-I'm hangry and got distracted reviewing license applications and realize I'm about to be late for my inperson class. I sign out and sprint to my car. Drive to the Union and all the meter spots are full. I have 10 minutes left to find a parking spot and walk to class. In Waggonner which is essentially on the very far edge of campus. It's like WIU Siberia. Finally find a 30 minute meter and recall that I saw the parking services police leaving this parking lot, so surely they won't be back to police the meters before I'm back. It's a little gambling without the bookies, so I risk it, I'm a thrill seeker.
215-class is over and I didn't get a ticket! WOOT!!!! Back to work.
305-Take my afternoon break to pick one kid up from school and drop at home.
500-DONE WITH WORK!!!! I dash over to the HS to pick up the dancer from practice, then I forget I have to pick up a kid and turn around in a parking lot to go pick up James from daycare.
515-throw potatoes and chicken breast in the instant pot and push start. Turn on the oven and throw in biscuits. Corn in the saucepan and dinner is cooking. Unload the dishwasher because apparently I'm the only one in the house who knows where dishes go.
530-Maddy comes into the kitchen and complains of starvation. She's 15. I forgot she needs reminding on basic survival skills. She's hangry and gives me angry laser vision. When that fails to make food magically appear she stomps off muttering about being organized and planning better.
540-The instant pot beeps and I speed release the pressure. Maddy has practice at 615 and I'm worried for everyone's safety if she doesn't get food. I say a quick prayer that the food is edible. IT IS. AND. Everyone eats it.
610-we are out the door to drive the kid to practice. She's driving and goes the wrong way to the dance studio that is like her second home.
615-loading the dishwasher. Listening to Missy Elliot because I'm a badass gangsta mom. In my yoga pants and flip flops.
630-Sit down at the table to review a chapter in my speech class.
700-Herd James upstairs for a bath and fold laundry while he splashes about. He uses 3 towels in drying off. Erasing all my gains in the universal laundry balance.
730-Story reading time and then he remembers that he has homework. We go back downstairs. He doesn't have homework. He actually just wanted a snack. And some water.
745-We are back upstairs and Abbey is explaining something to me about cheer. It's a half up full down lib something. I have NO IDEA. I know that I've asked her to explain a gazillion times and if I ask again, she will kill me. I make a mental note to watch a video on youtube later.
800-Turn off James' lights and he makes me promise to stay upstairs with him. I sit down with my laptop and take 2 of my quizzes that are due this week. I watch lecture videos for my Environmental History class and am way too fascinated with the theories surrounding continental drift.
815-pick up Maddy from dance.
830-mediate debate between the sisters for the millionth time about cheerleaders vs the school dance team.
900-still mediating.
912-I realize my step count is under 5,000 for the day and that my pants cut off the circulation to my legs earlier in the day so while the sisters are debating each other, I do some crunches. Not the best exercise, but planks don't record steps.
1000-my partner arrives and we turn on MSNBC which always chases away even the most stalwart children invaders and we watch a recap of the craziness of the day. It's our unwind.
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