I want to be good at my job. But it's hard to be a good manager when you can't work a single day without wanting to leave and go home and go to bed.
I want to be a good mom. But it's hard to be a good mom when you ignore your mother instinct telling you that something is wrong and you let your baby girl die.
I want to be a good friend, but I just don't have anything to give to anyone.
I want to be a good wife, but I don't know how to look at you without wondering if you blame me. How could you not blame me? You blame yourself, and we are parents together.
I don't think I'm going to make it through this spring. I had no idea it would be like this. I had no idea. Nothing makes it better. Nothing feels right. Everything I do is wrong, it feels wrong. She should be here. She should be with us. I hate everything because she isn't here to see it, feel it, live it. It's not enough to keep her in my heart. I can't hug her there. I can't teach her. I can't hold her. I can't see her. I can't do anything with her.
I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to do this. I thought I did. I thought I had begun to find my path through this forest. Now I realize that I've been lost this entire time, and I just stumbled upon a small clearing. I have now reentered the thickness.
I want to be a good mom. But it's hard to be a good mom when you ignore your mother instinct telling you that something is wrong and you let your baby girl die.
I want to be a good friend, but I just don't have anything to give to anyone.
I want to be a good wife, but I don't know how to look at you without wondering if you blame me. How could you not blame me? You blame yourself, and we are parents together.
I don't think I'm going to make it through this spring. I had no idea it would be like this. I had no idea. Nothing makes it better. Nothing feels right. Everything I do is wrong, it feels wrong. She should be here. She should be with us. I hate everything because she isn't here to see it, feel it, live it. It's not enough to keep her in my heart. I can't hug her there. I can't teach her. I can't hold her. I can't see her. I can't do anything with her.
I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to do this. I thought I did. I thought I had begun to find my path through this forest. Now I realize that I've been lost this entire time, and I just stumbled upon a small clearing. I have now reentered the thickness.
I can't tell you it's going to be okay.. I can't tell you I know how you feel. The only thing I can tell you is that you are a good mother and Duffy is a good father and neither one of you is to blame, no matter how much it feels like it--and I'd probably feel the same way, so that leads me back to mumbling the same thing repeatedly--I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you don't have Isabelle. I'm sorry this has been the hardest year of your life. I'm sorry you feel inadequate. I'm sorry I don't have the right words. You are my best friend not because you give me things, but because you share your life with me. I know that is just giving in a different sense, but I prefer to think of it as letting me carry a little of the load. I help out when I can because I love you. I'm so sorry about Isabelle, for a billion different reasons. But if you can see my flashlight flickering, I'll be there by your side helping you to find your way out.
ReplyDeleteA mother finds herself always second guessing if she did it right, what if and yet no matter what she always knows in her heart that she cant protect her child from everything. It is her job to let her child grow wings and fly.... Isabelle just got her wings first. Being a parent is not always fun, nor easy and things dont always go the way we plan or wish but we love our children, support our children and teach them what we know. You & Duffy are excellent teachers and parents and 3 girls are very lucky to have that. This cloud that is finding its way over your life/home again will only be passing, it will not stay for as all your friends, co-workers and family gather with you to remember her by giving the gift of blood, it will show you and you will know that she loves you as much as you love her and you have done a great thing by giving her wings to fly....after all it is the hardest things a parent can do... I love you M
ReplyDeleteJulia said it best. WE are all here to help carry the load, but we will never know how it is to have lost a child, and for that I am soooooo sorry you have to go this alone. Love you all more than you will know.
ReplyDeleteKerri
Julia and Kerri are right. We don't have the words. We don't truly know how you feel. But, we will be there to attempt to carry the load, be shoulder to cry on, provide the goofy giggler when you need it, and anything else that we can. We are your friends and will help you through the forest as best we can.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you.
((((((Niki & Family))))))
ReplyDeleteNo person, no matter how young, is insignificant nor invisible as long as the love we carry for them in our hearts continues to nurture and enrich our lives.
There are others walking through this dark forest of pain.
Wishing you peace and healing - as you are able.
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